"That balcony is going to come crashing down on top of me."
"And this crowd is going to cause a stampede and I'll be trampled."
"Also, there's no fresh air in here. I'm going to catch lung cancer."
I said this one day last August. I'm a real peach.
But in my defense how can you really be sure of the structural integrity of a building, am I right?!
Also my last.
Maybe that was obvious.
Last year Phish, Corey's favorite band from yesteryear, rolled into town for a weekend of shows at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center, an outdoor amphitheater with limited indoor seating.
That's cool. Sounded like a swell time; a big group of adults in professions like accounting, and law, and elementary education all coming together to sway to the easy beats of a group that's been around for-ev-er, like from when all those adults were hacky-sack bouncin' college students who could grow thick, manly goatees and wear dirty Birkenstocks all the time.
Of course I said, "hecks yeah, darling, I'll experience a major part of your youth!"
Maybe it was more like, "sure."
But either way, I looked forward to going to this concert! We had tickets for actual seats; after a less than pleasant experience at a Third Eye Blind concert in Fort Wayne I have an aversion to crowded, mosh-pit environments. (shout out to my Colosseum EMS boyz, whoop whoop!)
So I thought, tickets, that means we have seats, that means I can sit back and relax and enjoy the music. Nice.
Yes, I am that naive.
The night of the concert I knew I was in trouble before we even left the parking lot.
"You can really FEEL the music, man, it's like in your DNA..."
"Corey, did you hear that?? That woman just said this music is in her DNA for crying out loud...what is this you brought me to?!?"
Don't let that fool you, I really did enjoy watching the pre-show festivities. There were people jamming on guitars, others dancing, this was a whole new experience for me!
And then there was "Shakedown Street."
Oh. My. Stars.
In one of the main parking lots a number of vendors set up shop in two long rows selling everything you wouldn't find at your local craft show. You know, bongs, pipes, and other "paraphernalia." Nerd alert: "Ohmigosh they can sell that here?!" This was all scattered between ordinary things like tie-dyed everything and rocks turned jewelry. I had to hold on to Corey's shirt in some parts of Shakedown Street there were so many people.
So many different types of people! It was like going to a class reunion seeing the older, original fans, the ones who, like Corey and his friends with us, have been fans all along. But a lot of them were newbies, the second generation fans who were literally babies when these guys first toured.
Young and old alike, in harmony, on a slack rope.
So much to take in.
As in, there was a whole lotta food in this dusty, dirty parking lot.
Food vendors were everywhere selling burritos, pita things, questionable meat-on-a-stick. I use the term "vendor" loosely as I am pret-ty sure they violated every single health code on the books and would never, ever, ever be granted a permit to "vend." But this didn't stop me from buying the best vegetarian tacos sold out of the back of a van from a burly hippie I've ever tasted.
After all this you might be wondering if we ever made it to the concert.
We waded through a sea of people to get into the park, found our seats, found out our "seats" were also shared by several other people then waited for the festivities to begin.
Thirty minutes later we made our way out of our row, up the theater ramp, grabbed a handful of chicken burritos, pizza and hamburgers before heading out the gates and back to the car.
I made it a whole thirty minutes.
But I couldn't move! I couldn't breathe! And I swore the walls were coming down on me! After the first song I asked Corey how many were left.
"But this ONE song has been 25 minutes!!"
"Yeah....do you wanna go?"
"No. No, no, no, no, no. You want to stay. We can stay, we can stay, we can stay."
"We'd better go."
I felt bad that Corey couldn't stay. And with mouthfuls of pizza and burritos I said as much. Through mouthfuls of pizza and hamburgers he said it was ok. And together with mouthfuls of burritos and pizza and hamburgers we wondered why were we eating so much food right now??
So long story not-so-short, I can't do concerts. They make me feel like my life is coming to an endrightnow. What I can do and will gladly do are flannel jammies, milkshakes and Matlock reruns. And for that I have no shame.